Tell Me Something I Don't Already Know


I've been a little absent in the blogging world this week. The reason, you see, is the only thing I really feel like doing is laying on the sofa, turning on my heating pad, piling on a warm blanket and watching a marathon of The Housewives of Orange County or some other crap TV. I guess if I had a stash of chocolate donuts or peanut M&Ms that would make it all the better.

What I have actually been doing is going to work, cooking, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, giving baths, wiping noses, hugging and kissing and buying groceries....

...and juggling all the other things a wife/mom/full-time working gal does on a daily basis.

But I'd rather be on the sofa.

All that to say I've finally come to realize that turning 40 really does come with some unexpected changes - moodiness, feeling a little bit blue at certain times of the month, feeling overwhelmed more so than usual...that kind of thing. At least for me.

Being a fairly level-headed gal, I also factored in things like giving birth at age 38 (and gaining 50 pounds to boot), working full-time while also caring for a family with three young children, and not exercising like I know I should. I'm nothing if not realistic about the life that's chosen me and how I choose to live it.

So, last year I tried a new doctor when it was time for the annual exam we all know and love. He was "holistic" and came recommended by two people I know and trust.

And "holistic" he was - right down to his Birkenstocks and long gray ponytail. As I sat in his office waiting for him, I perused the titles on his bookshelf:

Healing the Organic Way
Take Time to Feel the Om
Getting to Know Your Spirit

He was a nice man. He spent over an hour talking to me. He asked good questions. He suggested blood tests for various hormone levels which, in the end, showed nothing out of the ordinary.

And then he did it. As God is my witness the man pulled out a chart of the female reproductive organs - a write-on/wipe-off chart. Then he pulled out his marker. And I sat there in stunned silence. I am sure my face was saying, Are you really going to do what I think?

And the answer, my friends, was yes. He proceeded to give me a lesson on all the female parts, while drawing arrows and circles and stars. I felt like I was in 6th grade, giggling behind my hand when the teacher said the word "ovaries".

He told me all about ovulation, and about what happens during pregnancy and delivery.

And the whole time all I could muster was, uh-huh, uh-huh....

Are you kidding me? Telling me about ovulation and giving birth is like telling Julia Child what a measuring cup is for. It's like leading Meryl Streep onto a stage and saying, This is how you act.

Ummmm.. been there, done that, got the epidural. Thank you.

What I wanted from this guy was some kind of miracle herb that would make me lose weight without trying and make me feel as happy as a six-year old at Disney. I wanted peace, love and all things good - and even organic if it meant I'd look and feel more like I did when I was 25.

Or something less elementary at the very least. A prescription of sofa-rest and a chocolate IV perhaps.

But what I got was a dadgum lesson on the female parts and plumbing.

Which reminds me of the time many years ago I was playing Pictionary with my mom and a few high school friends. I drew the Golden Arches for the word "restaurant". My mom was attempting to guess what "place" I was drawing... keyword being "place". And suddenly, in a fit of excitement, she shouted "fallopian tubes!"

When you are in high school and your mother yells "fallopian tubes!" in front of your friends for any reason, the needle on the embarrassment machine goes off the chart.

So, anyway.... holistic didn't seem to be a HOLE LOT of help to me.

As evidenced by the fact that, nearly a year later, I still prefer chocolate and the sofa over a 5-mile run and a plate of tofu.

But, mark my word, I know what my ovaries are for.


BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) :

p.s. I love the family photos on your sidebar! You have a beautiful family.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) :

Your second paragraph just wore me out by reading it!

And if you find that miracle herb from Dr. Granola, please let me know about it! I'll be 39 in August and I just know things are not as easy to "upkeep" as they used to be. In fact, I'm on a mission to find the perfect bra this year and find some miracle herb that will give me energy and make me more patient. ;)

Tricia :

I am loving your blog! What fun it would be to have you for a friend!! I will be turning 33 next month, and with a 1 and 2 year old....all I want to do is sit on the couch also!! SO NOT POSSIBLE : ( I am looking forward to a night away for my birthday so I can sleep!! Pitiful!
Your family is darling and love hearing about them!!

Amber Kay :

Can I come over to your house and join you on the sofa? I love The H or OC, is it a marathon day today?
I'll bring the mint ice cream!

Just Mom :

Seriously rolling on the floor laughing. Not at you, but with you.

BTW ... I turn 40 next month (had first child at 35). Thanks for the heads up on the "unexpected changes."

Kim :

Hahahaha...I am laughing hysterically. This is great! I can relate! I know what you mean about being tired and a bit overwhelmed at happens...but I have found running those miles really does help! It gives me energy and makes me feel happy! Plus, it is good for you! Much better for you than any pill or herb!

I loved reading this! have a most blessed day!

Momma Roar :

No way! Diagram and all? Too funny! Next time you'll have to think of Elle to lighten the mood! HAHAHA

Oh, and when you find that miracle herb, can you hook me up?!?!?

Kari :

I'm cracking up at the Pictionary/fallopian tubes...that's hysterical. I know what you mean, though. I don't even have a job (outside the home) and I still feel worn out.

Lisa @ Take90West :

That is such a funny story!
I think we all go through times where we feel a bit down with ourselves and overwhelmed and at that needs to be accomplished every day.
I'm sorry I'd don't have a magic pill to recommend to you, but I would sure come over and watch the Housewives with you!

Susan :

I chuckled, smiled & laughed my way through your post. You are so much fun, Jill. Love your sense of humor & take on life!!!!

Lauren@Baseballs&Bows :

How funny! I go for that appointment next week, but I doubt mine will be as funny!

Sandy :

I thought you were going to tell us you were pregnant again. OK, it's just another ovary lesson - LOL!
I took a nap today ... and that is rare for me! It's the weather (brr) and it's January ...

Lynne :

I'd love to know who this doctor is!! What was he thinking? 40 years old, already had a child - I'm sure you knew all that stuff already!

aniowamom :

Sounds like we are in the same boat. I'll catch a plane tomorrow and join you. We'll eat junk, watch junk, and drink some good wine.

Wait, it snowed there didn't it?

Never mind. I think that's half my problem here in Iowa ... it feels as though it's been winter FOREVER.


The 5 Bickies :

What a great post.
I too would rather be on the sofa and try my best to only get there between 8:30 and 10 pm.

Linda :

I am smiling.. All by myself at the computer just me and my huge smile over this post. Thanks for making me laugh!! Sorry you did not get your magic weight loss potion.

Tonja :

Sweetie, here's some news for actually feel GREAT right now compared to what it is like at 50 and above. Not complaining, mind you...just facts. There's lots more things that are going to CHANGE and boy! the fun starts then! :)

Now, form someone who can barely remember 40, here's some good advice...take a god book, a drink of choice, a comfy sofa, and LOTS of your preferred chocolate. Combine and let marinate for a good afternoon,,,or day,if need be.
Use as often as necessary. Just do it for yourself...and enjoy!

Happy Working Mom :

Oh my freaking goodness! I trust that you will not be visiting this doctor again?

I really, really feel your pain. I feel like every day goes by in a blur, there's no time for exercise, and the couch looks amazingly comfortable. If you find the secret drug, will you pass it on???

And I love the Housewives of Orange County...watching them makes me appreciate and love my life even more than I already do!

Judi :

LOL! You are so entertaining, Jill! I know how you feel. And by the way, peanut M&M's are my fave!

Jody :

So, what happened to your "friend" we named last year? Not so friendly?:)

Kelly :

Glad to know I am not alone! I was 42 when I had my youngest who just turned 4 this week. I have really been feeling it this past year. More than once..... as the young Prince has been tearing around the house while my husband and I are practically in a coma..... we have looked at each other and said in unison, "What WERE we thinking?"

Recently This happened that has sent me into a near depression: I was picking up a piece of repaired furniture from an upholstery shop. I pulled my van around to the back door and the owner loaded the item into the back hatch of the van. Noticing my son in his car seat he said, "Oh, you have the little one with you today." I said, "Of course, always." He said, Well... That's what good Grandmas do."

I can't even tell you how much chocolate I ate that weekend....

Sandra :

I just turned 33 and there's days I want to do nothing but sit on the couch. I find myself falling asleep at 9pm and it's very disturbing LOL

I do feel old some days, how sad LOL

Loved your post :)

Nadine :

The sofa and chocolate IV...hilarious! If you do find the miracle herb, do share.

jeanetta :

how do you do it?
i am laughing so hard i had to get up and go to the bathroom befor ei wet myself.
ooo i am on the couch with you. its so cold and i want more chocolate and not to have to take care of anyone but me. i want a magic cure too.

kdwhorses :

Oh girl, I am still laughing!! I will join you for the chocolate IV and the sofa time! I will be turning 35 in April and around that time of the month I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired at other times as well. My husband jokes that I turn into a pumpkin after 9 p.m. and I do! I guess it is joys of getting older! UGH BTW-if you find that pill please pass it on to your fellow bloggers!!! And the doctor-I am impressed you made it through the apt. without laughing in his face. I would have probably told him to get a grip and get real here!! You do not need sex ed after childbirth!! I am still smiling!

justabeachkat :

You mean there's something wrong with snugling up on the couch with a big piece of chocolate or ten?? I say do what makes you happy. You deserve it.

Funny post!


Tammy :

Jill, this was one of your best posts ever...and I'd be giggling and laughing if I didn't identify way too much. Instead, I was nodding and smiling knowingly.
I'm about to hit the big 4-5...and for someone who feels like I was just a teen yesterday I can't really figure out how this can be true.

And last week, I found myself shirking some of my duties, and wanting to crawl under the blankets and just hide there all day.

Now in my case, part of it is I get the wintertime blahs ...but another part is definitely the post-partum, pre-menopausel hormones all colliding in a mishmash!

Your post was so well-written, Jill! Even though you're just a youngster at 40...;)...thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone!

Sue :

Oh how funny! I can't believe you got a female anatomy lesson. I'll tell you, I always feel like with my experience through Infertility, I can give my OB the lesson on the female body and reproductive system. They all tell you that you ovulate 14 days before your period, and ovulate from day 12-18, yada...yada...yada... ONLY if you're text-book. But books are all they go by. At least he gave you something to post about. ;)

I understand that longing for the couch. You're not alone! :)

Melissa in Mel's World :

Stunned Silent............

I mean, seriously...did he break out a white board with a dry erase marker? Come on, you're totally making that up, right?

That's the making of a GREAT Christian Chick Lit book right there my friend!

Sorry to hear that the ho-hums are running rampant right happens to the best of us. It is a pit, a season, a blip...but it is not the end.

If you want you can come borrow my couch in Ft. Lauderdale and "sneak away" for a bit of You Time.

Knit-Wit :

That is so funny! I probably would have just "uh - huh" also. And I know I would not have gone back!

When we were in the Caribbean I was ill and needed to see a doctor. He really worried me - with his dreadlocks and laid back manner. We dubbed him "Dr. VooDoo".

workinthatpreppy :

well..i did have a hysterectomy last year and left one ovary and i will say i feel GREAT! amazing just how badly your monthly cycle can make you feel. i used to have one good week out of the month!

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