Tell Me Something I Don't Already Know

I've been a little absent in the blogging world this week. The reason, you see, is the only thing I really feel like doing is laying on the sofa, turning on my heating pad, piling on a warm blanket and watching a marathon of The Housewives of Orange County or some other crap TV. I guess if I had a stash of chocolate donuts or peanut M&Ms that would make it all the better.

What I have actually been doing is going to work, cooking, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, giving baths, wiping noses, hugging and kissing and buying groceries....

...and juggling all the other things a wife/mom/full-time working gal does on a daily basis.

But I'd rather be on the sofa.

All that to say I've finally come to realize that turning 40 really does come with some unexpected changes - moodiness, feeling a little bit blue at certain times of the month, feeling overwhelmed more so than usual...that kind of thing. At least for me.

Being a fairly level-headed gal, I also factored in things like giving birth at age 38 (and gaining 50 pounds to boot), working full-time while also caring for a family with three young children, and not exercising like I know I should. I'm nothing if not realistic about the life that's chosen me and how I choose to live it.

So, last year I tried a new doctor when it was time for the annual exam we all know and love. He was "holistic" and came recommended by two people I know and trust.

And "holistic" he was - right down to his Birkenstocks and long gray ponytail. As I sat in his office waiting for him, I perused the titles on his bookshelf:

Healing the Organic Way
Take Time to Feel the Om
Getting to Know Your Spirit

He was a nice man. He spent over an hour talking to me. He asked good questions. He suggested blood tests for various hormone levels which, in the end, showed nothing out of the ordinary.

And then he did it. As God is my witness the man pulled out a chart of the female reproductive organs - a write-on/wipe-off chart. Then he pulled out his marker. And I sat there in stunned silence. I am sure my face was saying, Are you really going to do what I think?

And the answer, my friends, was yes. He proceeded to give me a lesson on all the female parts, while drawing arrows and circles and stars. I felt like I was in 6th grade, giggling behind my hand when the teacher said the word "ovaries".

He told me all about ovulation, and about what happens during pregnancy and delivery.

And the whole time all I could muster was, uh-huh, uh-huh....

Are you kidding me? Telling me about ovulation and giving birth is like telling Julia Child what a measuring cup is for. It's like leading Meryl Streep onto a stage and saying, This is how you act.

Ummmm.. been there, done that, got the epidural. Thank you.

What I wanted from this guy was some kind of miracle herb that would make me lose weight without trying and make me feel as happy as a six-year old at Disney. I wanted peace, love and all things good - and even organic if it meant I'd look and feel more like I did when I was 25.

Or something less elementary at the very least. A prescription of sofa-rest and a chocolate IV perhaps.

But what I got was a dadgum lesson on the female parts and plumbing.

Which reminds me of the time many years ago I was playing Pictionary with my mom and a few high school friends. I drew the Golden Arches for the word "restaurant". My mom was attempting to guess what "place" I was drawing... keyword being "place". And suddenly, in a fit of excitement, she shouted "fallopian tubes!"

When you are in high school and your mother yells "fallopian tubes!" in front of your friends for any reason, the needle on the embarrassment machine goes off the chart.

So, anyway.... holistic didn't seem to be a HOLE LOT of help to me.

As evidenced by the fact that, nearly a year later, I still prefer chocolate and the sofa over a 5-mile run and a plate of tofu.

But, mark my word, I know what my ovaries are for.