Harried

Dear Guy that Colors My Hair and Keeps Me "Naturally" Blonde:

I like you. I like how you color my hair.

That's why I keep following you around as you skip from one salon to another and back to the one where you started. The one run by people you couldn't stand, but now you think are great, but are really ex-bodybuilders who somehow think they can run salons.

I have referred many, many people to you, though you have failed to acknowledge even one.

I pay you $200 (plus tip) to color my hair. I gladly pay it, because otherwise my hair would be grey and dark brown and I would look like a hag. Operative words here are I pay you.

You pay me nothing. Operative words here are pay me nothing.

So that makes me the customer and you the service provider. (Monday thru Friday I am the service provider catering to the every whim of wealthy customers, so I feel your pain and have walked in your shoes.)

Therefore, I have some requests:

Do not arrive at 10:10am for a 10:00am appointment. I have been waiting for you since 9:55am. I was early. You were late. You should have been standing by your chair with the hair color already mixed up, thus allowing me to be greeted by a happy guy-that-colors-my-hair. I took a day off work and you are one of many stops today. You robbed me of at least 30 very valuable minutes.

Offer me coffee or a Diet Coke or even a glass of water for heavens sake. That fancy coffee bar is there for a reason, and I assume it's not to keep the staff happy (or maybe it is). If that's the case, it doesn't seem to be working.

Don't ask me how many foils and how much of my hair I need colored. I come to you so you can tell me that. Because I am the customer and you are the service provider. And I cannot see the back of my hair.

After you do figure out how much color to put in my hair, don't continually talk about how many foils you put in my hair compared to the "routine" hair color client. I don't care about their hair or their "routine". I only care about mine. And after 20 minutes of your talking about what a favor you are doing me (though I had to ask for coffee and a magazine) I will quit answering you and you will not even notice.

Don't complain to me about all the little problems in your life. I have enough of my own. I like to come to the salon to escape the gas crisis and the economy problems. The salon was practically empty. One of the other "hair designers" said she skipped work three days last week because she didn't have gas. The economy does suck. But here I am, spending money. So don't complain to me.

And don't slip in a $20 charge for snipping one piece of hair that you deemed as "too long" and clipped yourself, without asking me. Especially in light of the fact that I once let you cut my hair and you whacked it and left a 1/2" stalk right in the middle of my head that took months to grow out.

I will ask to see the listing of all the hair services and which ones you circle. And I will not pay for anything that we did not discuss. Like the written-in $20 under Misc. Services. You can't take back my hair color if I don't pay for those snarky little nickle and dime snarks. And, though I'm sure you've discussed it, you can't chop off my head and keep it until I ante up the American Express. I tip, and I tip well. But try to slip something in on me and I will very obviously tip not one single penny.

The end.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.