The 2am Workout

Begin your workout by being jolted out of precious deep sleep by a screeching toddler calling mom-eeeee, mom-eeee.

Heart rate goes from zero to sixty in 1.85 seconds.

Next, lay in bed wide awake trying to convince yourself to let toddler work it out while heart pounds in chest trying to recover from the jolt.

Get up to console toddler. Nearly collapse because right foot is asleep.

Engage oblique ab muscles to steady yourself. Say a few choice words under breath.

Hobble down hallway in a sorry attempt at speed walking.

Engage shoulder muscles as you bump into wall along the way.

Lift 23 pounds of dead weight from crib.

Feel that burn in your lower back! hamstrings! and arms!

Heart rate spikes as you wrangle 5 pound soaked diaper off the screeching toddler, while holding 4 arms and legs at bay.

Engage biceps as you toss 5 pound diaper.

Lift 23 pounds of flailing, lunging weight off changing table. Feel that burn between your shoulder blades! and in your neck!

Plug ear with one hand while holding toddler in the other. Stagger downstairs to find bottle and fill with soy milk.

Engage mental toughness skills. It's mind over matter, Sister.

As you walk by window, notice several dogs gathered on the front lawn, drawn by the high-pitched toddler squeal only they can hear.

Sharpen fine motor skills by managing to get the cap on bottle without spilling.

Lift and insert bottle in one quick, fluid motion.

Dogs retreat at sudden cessation of high-pitched screech.

Attempt to work on fluid motion skills while going back upstairs....back straight, face forward.

Do several half-squats with terrible form while trying to sit in rocking chair.

Begin rocking toddler, contracting calf muscles on the upswing and relaxing on the downswing.

Relax neck muscles by nodding off.